My Blood for You, Joe!
Drain me to defeat the thanato-Thielists!
Eternal Leader Biden,
No doubt you are preparing your campaign to retake the Presidency in 2028. But to defeat the neoreactionaries, you must harness the necropower that gives them unnatural long life. Trump has perfected the management of his life battery. The dark lord Thiel is known to vivify his dissipating form with the blood of stray youth.
Allow me to enhance your natural vigor.
We have now learned that it is possible to indeed reverse aging to a degree. In the two months after leaving office, you appear to have de-aged approximately five years. And with each new picture, you seem to slide further back on your age plateau.
The beachside bike ride and hand-churned cone have kept you well across the tides of time. But these are the ways of an America and a Republic lost.
Alone, they will not be enough to carry you to the throne. For now, you must seek to become a king, not a President. And while Presidents are bound by words, kings are born of blood.
Through your veins courses the cream of contented cows of a new Arcadia, but the same cannot be said of our new overlords of the Trumpreich.
The thanato-Thielists, dabblers in the ancient ways of blood and sacrifice, have remade their bodies as they have Power itself.
Where you would seek water, they seek the transfusion. Where you would pledge service, they demand subservience.
You may seek a Republic, and it may be possible to return there yet, but the throne room imposes its own rules on those who would reign within it. Within that hall, an oldyr donor reigns supreme.
For a king’s worth is measured by those who would sacrifice themselves for their rule.
An insipid lord needs mercenaries to preserve his perch. Thiel, a watery man without charisma, has none to speak of ready to pledge their blood for him. He must beg and pay for each transfusion that sustains his distorting form.
Trump, we know, can draw six thousand to his command, at the least. A formidable personal guard that would place him among any of the great Emperors, Trump is a menace within the game of thrones.
But what of you, Joe? Were you to call the banners, who would answer?
Here, I tell you: I will. And more would do the same.
At any given moment, I consist of between 5% to 10% dark chocolate, on an approximately 60% to 70% basis. The concentration of antioxidants within my bloodstream is such that it may arrest and even reverse your aging within bounds.
Call on me, and I would volunteer to transfuse you as needed. Your blood bags would be bound to you as liege vassals in the days of old. We, your red knights, would be living proof of your authority, determination, and the rightness of your Cause.
Whereas the mercenary donors are bound to thanato-Thielists by Bitcoin and Trump’s Praetorians by insanity, we would be bound to you in body by honor alone.
Which king, then, would the people choose?